Peace and quiet. The only sound I can hear is the farmer out in the field near my house. I'm sprawled out in my bed thinking of nothing more than this moment I'm in right now. But my mind easily drifts to the events of the day and days past. Breathe in. Breathe out. I close my eyes and see my beautiful daughter. A smile begins to curl at my lips and I feel happy. She's the one thing that I can always count on to make me feel happy. Sometimes I wonder when did I get here? Marriage. A family. It seems it wasn't so long ago that I was wildly single. And yet, it was a lifetime ago. Ancient history. I can no longer hear the farmer out in the field. Instead, the sound of his tractor has been replaced by the howling wind. The sound soothes me and draws me back to the here and now. Tick tock tick tock. The clock noise I never noticed before now sounds as loud as the wind. The baby monitor on my night stand gently whirs from the heater running in the baby's room. And soft breaths come from the floor where my dog is resting. I can't explain why, but it all sounds so wonderfully beautiful to me that it is overwhelming. I close my eyes and once again think of my daughter. My whole world. My everything. How did I get so lucky to be her mother?
Monday, November 3, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Free? Not even close...
I wish when I created this blog I would have thought about the name a little longer. Yes, I do feel happy and I am fairly healthy, but I am definitely not free... What I mean is that I am not free of problems or worries or self doubt and so many other things. I don't think that is a reality that I could ever say is mine. Here's what got me thinking...
While reading a fellow blogger's post about wearing imaginary tshirts that explain something about ourselves because we feel the need to make ourselves seem better than we do at that moment (f.e. Somebody eating a big fat cheeseburger might wish they were wearing a tshirt that says 'I usually order a salad'), I began to think about all the imaginary tshirts that I wear. Honestly, it made me a little sad. Here's why..
The first tshirt I thought of was 'I didn't used to be this uptight' and the second tshirt was 'I used to be a lot of fun.' Sure, many of us probably feel this way at some point. It's understandable, right? But then I asked myself why? Why am I so uptight now? Why am I not fun anymore? Seriously, what happened to me!? I can't blame it on having a kid or even getting married because I felt this change slowly happening before those events occurred. I think initially I told myself that this is what happens when you grow up. I am an adult and I have responsibilities. It's time to start acting that way. But since when did becoming a responsible adult mean that I wasn't allowed to have fun anymore? Bleh :/ I think what attracted Travis and I to each other 4 years ago was our ability to just have fun, go with the flow, and not care what other people think EVER. He is still that way and sadly I am not...but I'd like to be again. I'm just not sure how to get there, but I am willing to try. If not for my sake, for the sake of my husband.
Imaginary tshirts hang in all our closets because at some point we do care what other people think. I think that's fine and quite unavoidable. But when we start to think about what those tshirts say and why, we might try a little harder to donate them to Goodwill.
Below is a picture of me sitting/riding a moving sidewalk in Las Vegas. Definitely a time when I felt free and wore an imaginary shirt that said 'I don't give a crap what you think of me :)'
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
And then. . .
I have no idea where I left off months ago in my last blog post . . .All I can say is that from now until then has been a great time! I FINALLY lost 'the last 5 pounds' that were causing me so much trouble. Basically once I actually started trying to lose it a month or so ago it started to come off. Just started eating better, exercising (mostly treadmill walking), and using a few Herbalife products. Yesterday I started up a Jillian Michaels workout. I plan to do that for one month then do a round of Insanity which lasts two months. We are going on vacation in January to Jamaica so that's part of my motivation to get into better shape. That reason and also because I'm hoping to start trying to get pregnant again sometime in the next 6 months. But if I've learned anything about the journey to pregnancy it's that you can't plan it at all!
One of the biggest lessons I've learned from parenting is how to be patient. Just ask my husband...I was literally one of the least patient people he knew. Technically I'm still very impatient especially in traffic, if I'm standing in line or dealing with my husband. But when it comes to my daughter I typically have all the patience in the world. I'll admit there are times I want to I pull my hair out or cry but all of the good times far outweigh the bad :)
So that's just a little update on what's going on with me. Hopefully I'll have something more insightful to write about next time ;P
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Nursery Room
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Hello World!
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Pregnancy Update
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
26 weeks down, 14 to go
So far, this pregnancy has been fairly easy. I dealt with a little queasiness and fatigue in the first trimester and other than that, it's been mostly smooth sailing. I've gained about 13-14 pounds so far, which is right where I should be for my starting weight and height. Now that my bump is very noticeable, I've been having a little lower back pain, but nothing awful yet. I feel like I'm hungry all the time! Even though I'm constantly snacking throughout the day, I can't say that I've ever had any particular cravings for anything specific...other than chocolate.
The nursery is almost finished up. I painted the walls and ceiling to look like the sky. Blue with big puffy clouds. I also painted grass on the bottom. I found some really cute sticker decals to put up of a tree and some animals and other small things. They looked super cute! Until they started falling down. I got most of them to stay up, but the big tree fell down and got ruined :( I guess the wall wasn't smooth enough to keep it stuck on. Bummer, but oh well. We got the crib and changing table put together and are using an old dresser for clothes. Since the house is so old, there are no closets in any of the upstairs rooms, which stinks, but the dresser will do just fine. I also ordered a large green area rug for the floor since the carpet isn't very attractive. I got green so it will seem like grass....maybe? Travis and I put together a cube shelving unit as well, which will store books, toys, etc. Only things left to do are get a curtain for the window and install a new ceiling light fixture. I'd also really like to get a rocker glider and possibly put that in the nursery.
My friend Laney offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of November, so am looking forward to that coming up in a few weeks. Originally I assumed I'd have it in January, but am so thankful that it will be before the Christmas holiday and nasty winter weather! Thank you in advance, Laney! I appreciate you, and your continual friendship means the world to me. Seriously love that girl :)
More updates to come soon...
Friday, October 11, 2013
The Road
I've never lost anyone in my family before, other than my Grandma Sweet around 15 years ago. I had only met her a couple times, and strangely, I feel more sadness now about her death than I did all those years ago. Maybe because I was young then and didn't understand much about life, or maybe because I'm older now and starting my own family.
The memories I have of my Grandpa Hanssen are all good ones. When I was a young child, both of my grandparents played what I considered a significant role in my life. I remember being at their house a lot, picking apples from their trees, the basement smelling like moth balls, having Christmas dinner, their dog Wags, when they put the addition on their house, and going to church with them at the Bread of Life Church. I also remember all the car rides we would take...it probably wasn't that many, but I remember going up to Spencer many times to see my aunt Melinda and her family. I still remember that old green car he used to drive with the uncomfortable looking seat covers.
A lot of time has passed since those days, and many things have changed. And even though I'm not very close to much of my extended family, my grandfather's death hurt me just the same. I often wonder what my life could have been like if my story was different. Would I still be me? Or could I have been better version of me?
As I type this, I can feel the little one inside of me kick from time to time. I am reminded of how thankful I am for where my life has ended up, even though the road leading here wasn't very easy.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Pregnancy Laughs
Pregnancy is such a funny thing and it's crazy how different it is for every woman and every individual pregnancy. There are a couple things that I want to comment on. First is the so called 'glow' that you are supposed to experience. For me, there is no glow...I call it a 'grease' instead because I have not had this oily of skin since junior high. Not only is it oily, but it tends to break out on command. I wake up with a fresh zit every morning...whether it's on my face, neck, back, or chest. I will be walking from the bathroom to the bedroom and my husband will come up behind me and start squeezing a zit on my back...how romantic, right? I'm ready for the glow.
Second is the size of my breasts. They have grown some, they aren't gigantic by any means, but they've definitely filled out more, and are still growing. My husband is obsessed with them! He's constantly trying to touch, grab, and lift them. I literally want to punch him in the face at times because he acts likes a 12 year old who has never seen boobs before. Seriously, before I know it, next he is going to try and milk me. Help...
Third is my growing baby bump. Unless you are really skinny to start out with, which I was not, your baby bump looks more like an increase in belly fat. I look in the mirror and strangely search for my bump underneath my thick layer of pudge. I think...where's my cute baby bump? I feel like I'm at the stage where if somebody didn't know if I was pregnant or not, that they wouldn't risk asking me because they wouldn't want to offend me if I wasn't. Really, I look like I could go either way.
Those were just of the things that have been running through my mind recently. Maybe you will get a kick out of them, and maybe you won't.
I haven't been able to feel the baby move yet, which is okay, it'll probably happen within the next couple of weeks. We've also decided that we aren't going to find out the sex until the big day. I would have been fine knowing or not knowing, but Travis said he wanted to have it be a surprise. I like surprises :)
I also recently found out that my sister in law is pregnant and so is her sister. Apparently we were all ovulating at the same time because our due dates are February 10th, 12th, and 13th. Let the ridiculousness begin...
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Surreal is how I would describe it...
In my last post I desperately wanted to spill the beans about me being pregnant and all the emotions I was feeling at the time. That's right, if you haven't already heard the news, I am PREGNANT! :)
There was a time when I never thought it would happen. It took us six months of trying, which honestly felt like a lifetime. Life plays somewhat of a mean trick on us because when you don't want to get pregnant you are afraid that it is going to happen. And then when you finally think you are ready for a baby, it doesn't quite happen how you plan or expect it to. Such is life I guess, and we must learn to roll with the punches, whether we like it or not.
I am roughly 15 weeks along at this point. One minute it seems like it's gone by so fast, and then the next minute it seems to be moving really slow because 'nothing is happening yet.' I'm probably one of the most impatient people I know...just ask my husband and he will tell you the same thing... I don't want to rush this pregnancy, but I am anxious to start seeing a baby bump.
A couple weeks ago we went in for our first ultrasound. First we got to hear the heartbeat, which was pretty neat. But being able to see the little bugger moving and stretching out during the ultrasound was way cool. You know, up until that point, it was hard to let it sink in that I was really pregnant. Other than being tired beyond tired and suffering from some morning sickness, it was as if nothing had changed. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions and I'm a pretty private person (when I blog it's like I'm not actually talking to anyone...) so I think people think that I'm not excited to be pregnant. Of course I'm excited! I just don't always like to talk about it. Sorry. That's just me.
I have many more thoughts on pregnancy, but this is all I have time for today. Stay tuned. Or don't.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I'm too blessed to be stressed :)
Just saying those words made me feel better about things. When I really think about it, what do I have to be stressed over? I have a great husband, family, and life. The last thing I want to do is let the words of other people affect my happiness.
I will say it one more time, I'm too blessed to be stressed!! If you want to stress me out or bring drama into my life, don't come a'knockin because nobody is home...
Monday, June 24, 2013
Some New, Some Old
Saturday I ran my first 5K in three weeks, also my first 'competitive race' in two months. It was definitely rough and I wanted to quit the entire time I was running it! Haha, it's crazy how hard it can be to do something you used to do every day when you've taken some time off from it. My time wasn't the greatest either, but I've definitely ran it slower in the past, 26:48. Didn't place either, but like I said, I was literally just happy I finished it without walking! Next, I have the Color Run Des Moines coming up on July 13th. That is the last one I'm already signed up for. Who knows what I'll do after that... I'm excited for the Color Run because my team consists of some girls that I don't get to see very often. I think it will be a good time for us to catch up and have some fun together. I'm hoping for decent weather :)
Old News:
A few weeks back, my brother Chris and his wife had their third child. Little Iyla Mae is the cutest little thing! I have to admit, I have only been to see her once and that was while they were still in the hospital. Seems like life gets so busy and all the really important things get put on the back burner so you can take care of the things that come up unexpectedly or last minute :/
I was also in a wedding over Father's Day weekend for my friend Ashley. Weddings are beautiful and fun, but I am certainly glad that that was my first and last wedding that I am a part of this year! LOL\
Interesting FYI:
As you know, I'm a huge fan of green tea. I came across an interesting fact the other day though that has made me think twice about it. If you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, you should steer clear of green tea because there is an antioxidant in it that can affect the way your body handles folic acid, which we all know is important for a growing baby. Just something to keep in mind if you didn't already know it and it relates to you :)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Heads Up
So, again, this workout has many moves that are in Insanity, but definitely is not the same. Insanity has more stretching, yoga/pilates, and is more intense. However, if you are looking for something to try before taking the Insanity plunge, Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism will definitely bring up your heart rate and make you sweat a ton!
I Bought A Treadmill!
Dunham's was having what seemed like a pretty good sale on treadmills so we looked there first. I basically already knew what their selection was, but wanted to look them over again. There were three Pro-Forms on sale, but neither of them really spoke to me. Probably sounds silly, but I need a treadmill that I have a connection with! I decided that I didn't want to spend a lot of money at all. Sure, a $2000 treadmill would be awesome, but we really don't have the room for it...in our house or in our budget... I wanted to go check out the ones at WalMart again. Sounds cheap, but they sell Gold's Gym equipment and that stuff is pretty decent in my experience. After comparing motors, I decided to go with the Gold's Gym treadmill that WalMart was selling because the motor was better than the two cheaper Pro-Forms and equal to the one that was more than double the price at Dunham's. Besides, I don't need all the fancy extras.
After getting it in the house that night, Travis and I decided to take it out of the box and haul it upstairs piece by piece because the box was so big and heavy. While carrying the largest piece together, Travis accidently stepped on a part of the plastic concole and ended up cracking about five inches! The part that cracked in no way will affect the effectiveness of the treadmill, but that didn't keep me from nearly bursting into tears! I've waited so long to have my own treadmill and the moment I get one, something stupid had to happen. Travis said he'd take it back and tell them it was cracked when we opened it, but there wasn't any way I was going to let him take it away from me right when I got it! I had already formed a bond with it, and I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting a new one. It's nothing a little super glue won't fix!We haven't assembled it yet, but hope to get that all done tonight and give her a test run.
Spring/Summer time seems like a silly time to purchase a treadmill, but with the crazy weather we've been having lately it's been a pain trying to get outside to run. And instead of paying for an expensive gym membership, it really was time for me to just get my own.
Side note: Done with Insanity. I haven't decided if I'm going to start it up again. I'm kind of thinking I'm going to take a break because I'm a little sick of it. I didn't get the results I wanted...so we will see.
***Update***
I've used the treadmill a couple times now and everything seems great with it! And, I don't even notice the stupid crack anymore!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Proud LIttle Sister
I, on the other hand, have not managed to impress myself lately. Seems like there's been so much going on recently that I haven't been able to focus on ME. I'm almost finished with Insanity...only about a week left. Seems like I started it forever ago! Let me tell ya though, I am MORE than ready to be finished with it.
I've also been feeling really fatigued lately. My workouts haven't been too stellar and my meals have been less than healthy the last few weeks. I'm pretty positive that's why I feel like I have no energy. This is the worst I've felt since before the new year... The last thing I want to do is fall back into old habits, so to pull myself out of the rut that I've been gradually slipping in to I intend to start journaling again. I will keep track of my food and fitness once again to give myself another kick in the butt. I realized that it's ok to need help...so I'm going to help me help myself.
We all have moments of frustration or we feel like we've screwed up on some level. The only way to beat those moments are to not dwell on them and instead pull ourselves away from them and come out stronger in the end. It's ok to from time to time feel like a loser or failure...but it's not ok to accept that we are either of those things!! I remind myself all the time that I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I also know that I freaking rock! It's a new day...why not make the most of it?
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
You Know Who You Are
Pick up the pace! Get moving! Find an activity that you enjoy that makes you sweat! I know Insanity isn't for everyone, which is why, even though I do it myself, I don't recommend it to everyone. Everybody needs to find something that fits who they are. If you aren't a down and dirty and like to have sweat dripping from your body kind of person, then find something else that isn't so challenging in the beginning. Maybe find a workout DVD that is targeted at beginners. A tape that will work on your flexibility and mobility. I think even some yoga or pilates would be a great starter place. When you get used to the routine of beginning to workout, add some strength training. Now, I don't mean you need to hit a weight room with 20 pound dumbells...but, find another tape that uses light weights with circuit training. I, personally, like Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones.
I also think it's really important to get your cardio on! You may think that running may not be in the cards right now, but get out there and try because if you don't, how will you ever know what you are capable of!? Start with walking and add short intervals where you pick up your feet and your pace. Worried about people seeing you and 'making fun' of you? Who cares! Seriously, would you rather have people make fun of you because 'you're fat and lazy' or because 'you're a fat girl trying to run?' At least you are working to better yourself. You can't let what other people think or what you only think they are thinking affect who you are as a person. Don't sacrifice something that is important to you simply because you are a little scared. You are a stronger person than that!
Remember why you started your journey in the first place...you no longer wanted to be labeled as the fat person. Think how great you feel from what you've accomplished so far. I know that watching the scale can really put a burden on you...because even though the numbers may not always go down on there, remember that you could be losing inches elsewhere. Start measuring yourself every two weeks and see what happens. If you start a fitness regimen, there is no way that you won't lose more weight. Eating better/healthier is only the first step. It's time to take the next!
See you this weekend, friend :)
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Giving UP
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Plans...
I married my husband last August with full intentions of trying to get pregnant right away. After a few conversations with my him, family and friends, I decided that I might as well wait until after the honeymoon in December. They said I should enjoy myself and not risk being sick and pregnant. Plus, we were spending all that money on the trip so I better take advantage of it. In the end, it all made perfect sense. In November we decided that if we got pregnant it wouldn't matter anyways because we would be back from the honeymoon before we would know it, so at that point we decided we could stop not trying to get pregnant. If it happened, it happened was our motto. However, it's hard to not let trying to get pregnant take over most of your thoughts and preoccupy you from what really matters...the here and now. From November through Janurary, I was consumed with the idea of getting pregnant, and every month I was disappointed when it didn't happen.
And then....I busied myself with working out and trying to get into better shape. I had gained around 10 pounds since the wedding and I wasn't happy with myself. I also thought that maybe the weight gain was affecting my chances of getting pregnant. Working out and eating healthier coundn't hurt my chances then, right? Wanting to get pregnant was one of the main reasons I decided to pave a healthier path for my life. Since then, we haven't stopped trying to get pregnant, but we aren't necessarily trying either. At least now getting pregnant isn't my focus. Being healthier is.
Not too long ago, I told myself it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Clearly at this point in our lives, God knows we aren't ready or he has other plans in store for us. After talking to my sister in-law Julie this last weekend, I really started to believe that more. I've always doubted my ability to be a good Mother and she told me she believed in me...that I would be a great Mother. She said that right now I should just enjoy life and it will happen when it is supposed to. She herself had a difficult time getting pregnant with their oldest child. After that, they got used to the idea that maybe another child just wasn't part of God's plan for them. Three years went by and then the next thing she knew, she was sitting in the doctor's office being told that they were pregnant. It came as a complete surprise, but they couldn't be happier now!
I guess my sister in law's story reinforces in me how important it is to believe that God does have a plan for all of us. And if children are in my future, then it will happen when it's supposed to. There's no sense trying to hurry up something that I don't really have control over. I'm doing my best to start living more in the moment and not be so concerned with the future. Afterall, our futures are made by the actions and decisions we make in the present.
I previously worked with a woman who was literally one of my best friends for the three years we were co-workers. Not only was she a great friend to me, she was like a second Mother. I don't know if she ever knew how much I valued her, but I did. When she was younger, she also had a hard time getting pregnant. She tried and tried and after probably countless unanswered prayers, she and her husaband adopted a boy and a girl. Time went by, and lo and behold, she found herself pregnant! Another miracle baby. What I remember most about her story though was what she told me one day while a certain song was playing on the radio. Unanswered Prayers, by Garth Brooks. She told me that whenever that song played she thought of the two children she adopted and how she had them because of seemingly unanswered prayers. She would have been very sad if she had never adopted them.It literally brought tears to her eyes and then mine. And now whenever I hear that song I can't help but think of her and that day she told me the story...it still gets to me every time!
In my heart, all I know for sure is that God really does have a plan for all of us...it may not be the same as the plans we made for ourselves or even what we think we want/need, but faith will get us through anything, good, bad, happy, sad, wonderful and tragic. I've also always believed that God never gives us more than we can handle and because of that, I know some pretty strong people...
I'm feeling rather nostalgic today...and dreamy...and happy :)
I realize my blog focus has taken a slightly different course than what you all are used to, but these things are important to me and soothe me as I write about them.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Blessed
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| Me and my second place medal :) |
The fact that I did well at this run is not the only reason why I am feeling blessed. As I said, I stayed with my half brother Jay and his family all weekend. He is married to a fantastic lady and has two amazingly well behaved children. Did I mention they were cute as heck, too? I have several siblings who I love deeply, but first met Jay only three years ago. He and I share the same biological father, but he was given up for adoption when he was born. We were able to find each other through Facebook and the rest is history I guess! I feel so blessed to have met him and gotten to know his family, including his adoptive parents. I have never known a man who was more caring and devoted to his family than Jay is. I know he doesn't know it, but I look up to him so much! After every visit I have with him and his wife, I go home striving to be a better person and have a renewed sense of faith. They are my role models, and I only hope to be half the parents that they are someday. Blessed...that's what I am just to know them. Blessed <3
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Rock Star Moment
Insanity update:
Almost finished with recovery week, and then it's on to month two!! Can't wait to push myself harder and do some new moves. I am beginning to get bored with month one discs, so I'm ready for a change up! On the downside, I recently noticed that my left knee and right hip have been acting a little funny this last week-ish. Think maybe all the jumping is finally beginning to catch up with my joints. First negative effect I've experienced from the Insanity workouts...
I'm already trying to figure out what new workout I want to try next! Call me crazy, but I'm addicted. I may not look like a fitness model, but I feel better than....EVER....




